So i've been reading other pro-ana blogs and most of them have this ABC (ana boot camp) thing going on. I'm going to give it a go. Because of my bingefest today, I'm not starting until Sunday, July 26th. This morning (wedenesday) I weighed myself at 6AM and i reached a new all time low! 109.6! If only I was taller than 5'2 that low number would be even more significant. Anyways, after I weighed myself and my dad left for work, I binged. And purged. Four times. Did it again twice around 4PM. And four more times spanning from 9PM to 12:15PM. Pretty freaking pathetic isn't it? 109.6 down the drain. By Sunday I should be back to that though. Also, I'm not being so strict with the fasts now, because that may be what made me binge.
Update about yesterday. Went to go see the new Harry Potter movie with a few buds last night. It was great! What was the best about the whole night though was that I was thinking about wearing jeans, a pair of skinnies, size 7, that used to be damn snug on me. Well now they're baggy! Totally loose! They didn't stay on without a belt! Because the baggyness looked bad on me I wore shorts instead. I love how thin my thighs are looking. And my collarbone, its beginning to stick out!
I wish I could feel as good now as I did yesterday. I have what another blogger calls a food hangover. I hate myself. I hate my body. My abdomen is so fat and morbid looking. There's a pool party tomorrow that I won't be at most likely now because I'm sure I'll be bloated and disgusting. Damn, I can't wait till I can finally wear a bikini. I'm so tired of tankinis. They're so boring.
I should be seeing a shrink soon. And I requested it, I'm not being forced to go. I want to talk about all my other issues I got going on and perhaps I'll feel better and have more time to focus on ana. I'm not going to tell this shrink about ana. Or mia. I may tell her I think I have a night eating syndrom though. Hopefully to get sleeping pills. I haven't figured it all out yet.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Goal Reached - WARNING may be triggering
MUAHAHAHAHA how delightful, i reached my goal of 110 pounds even! Even with the outrageous binge i had yesterday! Oh this is vulgar, but yesterday I ate an entire D'giornos pizza with BBQ sauce, half a gallon of Edy's ice cream, an entire Pepperidge Farm fudge cake, two slices of homemade cheesecake pie with chocolate chips, about 15 Tostino's pizza rolls, three big cheese crackers, a vanilla pudding and I STILL managed to bring my weight down to 110! Had I not purged nearly every bit of it back up though I doubt I would have made it to 11o. And my 525 calories burned on the ellipitcal at the gym certainly helped me quite a bit as well I'm sure.
I looked so thin when I sucked it in today. If only the body I have when I suck it in was really what my body looked like when I didn't suck it in. When I reach below 100 I should hopefully barely have to suck in anymore. Personally, I believe I have a weird shaped body. Or weird composition. Something about it is weird. I have decently skinny thighs, arms, neck, shoulders. But my abdomen, not skinny. I don't get why. And for 11o pounds it seems like there's too much fat there. Maybe it's body dysmorphic disorder? I never thought I had it but I suppose I could.
Today is a fasting day. No food. It may be slightly challenging because my mom doesn't work tonight and I can tell by the evily delicious smelling crock pot in the kitchen, she's brewing her famous beef and noodles with cheese. I am always a big eater of that dish. She'll be shocked if I don't eat any. However, two friends and I already had plans to see the Harry Potter movie tonight, so if I schedule things right, I should be able to avoid eating completely and just tell my mom I'll have leftovers later.
Oh and did I mention what I did after I saw I had reached 110? I took the leftover ice cream and melted it with hot water in the sink! It felt so good! I also disposed of the tiny bit of cake I had left too.
Anyways, today I have one other challenge. I must go to the grocery store and purchase all the food on the list my mom gave me. Joy. And this particular grocery store has loads of delicious binge foods. With her credit card it will be hard not to make a few other purchases. Very hard. If I do purchase other foods, it will be for a later binge. I want to try not to binge again until after Warped Tour next week. I want to look so thin that my friends are absolutely jealous. Perhaps I'll post again later. That's all for now.
I looked so thin when I sucked it in today. If only the body I have when I suck it in was really what my body looked like when I didn't suck it in. When I reach below 100 I should hopefully barely have to suck in anymore. Personally, I believe I have a weird shaped body. Or weird composition. Something about it is weird. I have decently skinny thighs, arms, neck, shoulders. But my abdomen, not skinny. I don't get why. And for 11o pounds it seems like there's too much fat there. Maybe it's body dysmorphic disorder? I never thought I had it but I suppose I could.
Today is a fasting day. No food. It may be slightly challenging because my mom doesn't work tonight and I can tell by the evily delicious smelling crock pot in the kitchen, she's brewing her famous beef and noodles with cheese. I am always a big eater of that dish. She'll be shocked if I don't eat any. However, two friends and I already had plans to see the Harry Potter movie tonight, so if I schedule things right, I should be able to avoid eating completely and just tell my mom I'll have leftovers later.
Oh and did I mention what I did after I saw I had reached 110? I took the leftover ice cream and melted it with hot water in the sink! It felt so good! I also disposed of the tiny bit of cake I had left too.
Anyways, today I have one other challenge. I must go to the grocery store and purchase all the food on the list my mom gave me. Joy. And this particular grocery store has loads of delicious binge foods. With her credit card it will be hard not to make a few other purchases. Very hard. If I do purchase other foods, it will be for a later binge. I want to try not to binge again until after Warped Tour next week. I want to look so thin that my friends are absolutely jealous. Perhaps I'll post again later. That's all for now.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Major Screw Up Day....
I had those three delightful days of just a tiny bit of fruit and this morning i hopped on the scale. It read 111 even. Not the 110 im shooting for but its less than yesterday.
Well I never actually went to bed. I've been wide awake since 3PM Sunday afternoon. And for some odd reason I still don't feel tired. Hopefully around 10 or 11 I'll be able to conk out and start a new sleeping pattern. Anyways, today i had loads to do: go to the library, shop for my mom at Wal-Mart, get a t-shirt for Warped Tour, go to the grocery. Once I finished it all my mom went to bed, and i knew my dad wouldn't be home till 9.... All that time alone.... privacy.... yeah you guessed it, mia popped up again and said "time to binge you little fatty!" Binged and purged four times, four! I only gained 0.6 pounds from the binge. And I think its all mostly water weight or just the remnants I could not manage to get out of my stomach. I plan to go to the gym around 7 and do some major cardio. Tomorrow as well. All this week I gotta be on fire if I wanna reach 110 pounds by friday.
Due to the afternoon of catch up with mia today I plan to have a three day water fast. No food! I did it for five days, I can do it for three dammit. If my exercise decreases as the days go by, it's alright, because I only have so much energy from that water ya know ;). Anyways, it shouldn't be too hard to get away with the three day fast becasue my mom works Wednesday and Thursday (she works 9PM to 4AM and sleeps all day so I can get away with it,) and my dad is at work during the day and could quite frankly care less if I was dead or alive so he's no problem. Sometimes having the dysfunctional "family" I have can be quite beneficial to aiding Ana.
So, there you have it, three day fast, I can eat again at 12AM on Friday. Vigorous cardio for the next three days as well. Hasta la vista!
Well I never actually went to bed. I've been wide awake since 3PM Sunday afternoon. And for some odd reason I still don't feel tired. Hopefully around 10 or 11 I'll be able to conk out and start a new sleeping pattern. Anyways, today i had loads to do: go to the library, shop for my mom at Wal-Mart, get a t-shirt for Warped Tour, go to the grocery. Once I finished it all my mom went to bed, and i knew my dad wouldn't be home till 9.... All that time alone.... privacy.... yeah you guessed it, mia popped up again and said "time to binge you little fatty!" Binged and purged four times, four! I only gained 0.6 pounds from the binge. And I think its all mostly water weight or just the remnants I could not manage to get out of my stomach. I plan to go to the gym around 7 and do some major cardio. Tomorrow as well. All this week I gotta be on fire if I wanna reach 110 pounds by friday.
Due to the afternoon of catch up with mia today I plan to have a three day water fast. No food! I did it for five days, I can do it for three dammit. If my exercise decreases as the days go by, it's alright, because I only have so much energy from that water ya know ;). Anyways, it shouldn't be too hard to get away with the three day fast becasue my mom works Wednesday and Thursday (she works 9PM to 4AM and sleeps all day so I can get away with it,) and my dad is at work during the day and could quite frankly care less if I was dead or alive so he's no problem. Sometimes having the dysfunctional "family" I have can be quite beneficial to aiding Ana.
So, there you have it, three day fast, I can eat again at 12AM on Friday. Vigorous cardio for the next three days as well. Hasta la vista!
Attack of Insomnia AGAIN
So what do ya know, once again its nearing 5AM and I can't sleep worth crap. It's especially painful for me to not be able to sleep during these dreadful early morning hours because that is when mia comes out of hiding and picks at my mind, telling me to binge and purge. So far, all she's done is made me eat a little bit of fruit around 2AM. However, I don't think that was mia's doing, I think it was more just the grumbling of my empty stomach that convinced me to feed it a bit. During the daylight hours I love the feeling of my stomach growling, it makes me feel successful, however, at night it is terribly painful.
So a few weeks ago (oh how the time flies!) I made a post promising to rid of mia forever. Well I'm slowly but surely on my way there. But I screwed up royally at first. The very day after posting about ridding of mia I had a terrible binge and purge session. Terrible. I ballooned up to 120. After that though, I went 5 days without eating anything but and english muffin. Only reason I ate an english muffin is because I had to so the anastesia would work when I got my wisdom teeth pulled. That also greatly helped me to not eat anything. I got down to 112 pounds. And guess what? I did the dumbest thing a freshly opperated on person could do. I binged. And PURGED! FIVE DAYS AFTER GETTING MY WISDOM TEETH PULLED! I didn't do any noticeable damage to the stitches or my mouth, no blood, no liver clot. And I woke up the next day 0.2 pounds lighter. Lets see, I did that on friday, so I've gone 3 days of eating less than 300 calories since. I haven't done much exercise though, which might explain why i'm plateaued at 111.4 pounds!! WTF is up with that! How can I weigh that much!? Someone who is more exerperieced with ana, please help me out here. I wanted to reach 110 pounds in 2 weeks and this coming friday is the end of that! My ultimate goal is 93 pounds. However, first I would like to reach 110. A big reward is in store for when I reach 100.
Trouble is brewing. Mia is being completely demented. She keeps trying to plan binges in my head. I want her to stop but she won't . Right now she is saying to binge and purge sometime next week. Another part of her is telling her to wait until August 10th, when I will be moving into my grandma's condo to live COMPLETELY ALONE for three weeks!! Eh eh, i sense some jeolousy! Three weeks completely alone to spend with ana and finish this dreadful AP summer homework. I feel this very compelling urge to go view other ana blogs now. Farewell.
BTW, if anyone can tell me how long it takes to lose about 20 pounds with ana, please inform me. So far I've been COMPLETELY ANA for going on 10 days. I know that is not long. But I really do wish this process would work faster.
I think I'm going to shoot for 21 days of no binging. That way, maybe I'll break the habit of the bulimia part of my disease. That's all for now.
So a few weeks ago (oh how the time flies!) I made a post promising to rid of mia forever. Well I'm slowly but surely on my way there. But I screwed up royally at first. The very day after posting about ridding of mia I had a terrible binge and purge session. Terrible. I ballooned up to 120. After that though, I went 5 days without eating anything but and english muffin. Only reason I ate an english muffin is because I had to so the anastesia would work when I got my wisdom teeth pulled. That also greatly helped me to not eat anything. I got down to 112 pounds. And guess what? I did the dumbest thing a freshly opperated on person could do. I binged. And PURGED! FIVE DAYS AFTER GETTING MY WISDOM TEETH PULLED! I didn't do any noticeable damage to the stitches or my mouth, no blood, no liver clot. And I woke up the next day 0.2 pounds lighter. Lets see, I did that on friday, so I've gone 3 days of eating less than 300 calories since. I haven't done much exercise though, which might explain why i'm plateaued at 111.4 pounds!! WTF is up with that! How can I weigh that much!? Someone who is more exerperieced with ana, please help me out here. I wanted to reach 110 pounds in 2 weeks and this coming friday is the end of that! My ultimate goal is 93 pounds. However, first I would like to reach 110. A big reward is in store for when I reach 100.
Trouble is brewing. Mia is being completely demented. She keeps trying to plan binges in my head. I want her to stop but she won't . Right now she is saying to binge and purge sometime next week. Another part of her is telling her to wait until August 10th, when I will be moving into my grandma's condo to live COMPLETELY ALONE for three weeks!! Eh eh, i sense some jeolousy! Three weeks completely alone to spend with ana and finish this dreadful AP summer homework. I feel this very compelling urge to go view other ana blogs now. Farewell.
BTW, if anyone can tell me how long it takes to lose about 20 pounds with ana, please inform me. So far I've been COMPLETELY ANA for going on 10 days. I know that is not long. But I really do wish this process would work faster.
I think I'm going to shoot for 21 days of no binging. That way, maybe I'll break the habit of the bulimia part of my disease. That's all for now.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Insomnia Much?
So a few weeks back I went four days without eating and it really screwed with my sleep pattern. Even though I was tired, I couldnt manage to fall asleep until 5 or 6 AM. And after doing that a few times it became somewhat of a permanent sleep pattern. Right now I'm runnin on four hours of sleep. I stayed up until 9 AM cleaning, organized, and de-junking my room. I'll be making a large donation to the Santa Maria charity house very soon.
I don't know what it is, but something about having a super clean and orgaized room makes it a little more sanctuary like. Now I don't mind being in there as much. Not only that, but somehow having an organized room makes me feel closer to Ana? It's kinda strange. I guess I can focus more on Ana now that my room is taken care of. I have so much fun stuff I wanna do with my room now to make it feel more like home. I'm thinking... candles.... lots of candles... scented candles. O yeah. Well I'm off to take a shower and go pick up my paycheck at GC. I need me some dough. Catch ya on the flip.
I don't know what it is, but something about having a super clean and orgaized room makes it a little more sanctuary like. Now I don't mind being in there as much. Not only that, but somehow having an organized room makes me feel closer to Ana? It's kinda strange. I guess I can focus more on Ana now that my room is taken care of. I have so much fun stuff I wanna do with my room now to make it feel more like home. I'm thinking... candles.... lots of candles... scented candles. O yeah. Well I'm off to take a shower and go pick up my paycheck at GC. I need me some dough. Catch ya on the flip.
Farewell
Farewell mia. I'm done with you. Tonight was my farewell, last binge. From here on out, no more mia, I'm all Ana. Alright, now I'm getting redundent. I suppose if I say the same thing over and over again it will eventually happen. Haha well this is the real thing. Literally. MUAHAHAHAHA I'm so freakin pumped,so ready for this. So ready to ditch mia for life. It's going to be a struggle, but nothing I can't handle. I've had practice at not binging, and after failing, I learned where my mistakes lie. My biggest mistake was not eating anything at all. I think what this did was made me long for mia again even more. So how will i fix it you may ask? Fruit. I will eat. I will eat lots of fruit. LOTS of fruit. Did I mention I'd eat a lot of fruit? Haha so I have a plan. And a short term goal.
Plan: three day fast. It is now Wednesday. I will not eat again until Saturday. And tomorrow being the only real free day I have to dedicate to myself, I will do a saltwater flush to clean out my insides of all the crap I've put in it.
On Saturday I plan to eat. I will eat at three seperate times throughout the day.Six is ideal, but I'm just starting out here. The canned fruit I bought has 60 cal for a half cup. I will have three half cups throughout the day. One when i awake, and I'll space the other two meals about 2.5-3 hours apart. After Saturday I will plan each day as it comes the night before.
Oh dear, I rambled didn't I? Me and Ana, we have a short term weight goal for myself, and that is 110 pounds. Now I'm going to weigh myself here, mind you, I just binged and purged so bear with me if its a heavy weight. Just a moment.... ahh just as i thought, a little heavier than usual. 120 pounds even. Ten pound weight loss goal. I think I can get to 110 in less than two weeks. My ULTIMATE goal, is 15% under the healthy weight for my 5'2 height - 93 pounds. That is the ultimate goal. That's a 27 pound weight loss.
People expect me to always be perfect. So help me god I'm gonna fucking be perfect, because now, I have Ana on my side.
Plan: three day fast. It is now Wednesday. I will not eat again until Saturday. And tomorrow being the only real free day I have to dedicate to myself, I will do a saltwater flush to clean out my insides of all the crap I've put in it.
On Saturday I plan to eat. I will eat at three seperate times throughout the day.Six is ideal, but I'm just starting out here. The canned fruit I bought has 60 cal for a half cup. I will have three half cups throughout the day. One when i awake, and I'll space the other two meals about 2.5-3 hours apart. After Saturday I will plan each day as it comes the night before.
Oh dear, I rambled didn't I? Me and Ana, we have a short term weight goal for myself, and that is 110 pounds. Now I'm going to weigh myself here, mind you, I just binged and purged so bear with me if its a heavy weight. Just a moment.... ahh just as i thought, a little heavier than usual. 120 pounds even. Ten pound weight loss goal. I think I can get to 110 in less than two weeks. My ULTIMATE goal, is 15% under the healthy weight for my 5'2 height - 93 pounds. That is the ultimate goal. That's a 27 pound weight loss.
People expect me to always be perfect. So help me god I'm gonna fucking be perfect, because now, I have Ana on my side.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
A Little About Me
So there's not much I can think so share about myself right now. I've been bulimicarexic for over 7 months. I'm trying to break the habit of being bulimic. I'm sick of having mia in my life. But Ana, ana is like a drug. She's so hard to hold onto, but I'm high when she's by my side. Day by day I'm going to try to shed mia, and become one with Ana.
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